#discretion
This quote — and I’m as far away from being a Shakespearean expert as I am good at car maintenance — is from Henry IV Part One and exactly is:
Falstaff: ‘The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life.’
So it seems Falstaff’s version of “bone spurs” dodged him from battle, and he thereby saved his own life. I am not sure that’s what people have in mind when they use the phrase “Discretion is the better part of valour”. But like many phrases, they take on a certain meaning when applied in a certain context. So I’m sure when people use this phrase they mean it to represent something that doesn’t include that final aspect of the entire sentence.
No, I think people use another aspect of this phrase and the word #discretion’s other meaning, thus:
“The freedom to decide what should be done in a particular situation” — choice, option, judgement etc.
I want to go back to a dark, dark day in my recent history and use this post for a personal tale of why I don’t “show up” all the time in heated exchanges, debates and (sometimes frankly vitriolic) posting on social media platforms.
It was the morning after the referendum on whether the UK should leave or remain in the European Union. I am, and will always be a staunch remainer.
I followed a range of threads before, during and after this vote and felt a knot in my stomach as tight as I’d ever had. I was mildly traumatised by the hate, the attacks and the nastiness shown by one person to another.
It also happened in and around the United States of America’s presidential election in that same year.
Fascinated and appalled by much of what I saw, I also experienced others being battered, no doubt feeling bruised and some bullshit bravado that deeply impacted me. I felt every flinch of pain that the “snowflake” and “libtard” insulting slingshots brought to others.
It made me think long and hard: Do I avoid conflict?
I’ve had some heated exchanges with people before, but yes, is my immediate response. And yet, no.
I avoid what I deem unnecessary conflict. Spats about stuff you’ve no influence over; things you might get drawn into unwillingly by others; forced to take a side on something, when you have no strong view on what side is right or wrong for you or for others.
See, I’ve grown up in conflict.
- The Arab-Israeli war (I knew very little about the reason for);
- From the detached vantage point of the Television: the troubles in Northern Ireland — that incidentally I was never taught about at school and no-one around me could enlighten me about;
- Race riots in the UK and USA, again, that I didn’t have a deep back story to help me comprehend what sparked this;
- Schoolyard bullying both endured and witnessed;
- Mods -v- Skinheads, Rockers etc.
- Rival football gangs;
You get the picture.
Have I fought for what I believed in? Have I protested by marching or writing to MPs or others such interventions?
Rarely.
Does it mean I don’t care about these things? No, I care deeply about the human race’s tendency to be hating and violent towards others and it hurts.
When I discovered the words and work of Dr Martin Luther King Junior (ironically because of my taste in music, and my being drawn to the African-American sounds of the 1960s and 1970s) I found my way.
Nonviolent protest. Understanding and calmness. Oratory excellence in defending views and challenging injustice. How I felt the love and warmth in Dr King Jnr’s words and ways.
So I make a choice to not unnecessarily get involved in conflict situations.
Life has a habit of challenging your choices though. And brings conflict to your door. Headbutted in a public place as a 15-year-old just minding my own business. Ridiculed by so-called school friends because you wouldn’t follow through on a “dare”. Being assaulted and insulted because of the clothes you wear or the music you like.
I was once beaten up on my school playing fields (which is why I have a bend in my nose) because I dared to wear my US Army Parka to school, declaring I was a Mod. And being hounded by a gang of other youths then someone stamping on my face when I was forced to the ground by that angry mob. Made up of people I shared desk space with, in school lessons.
I wasn’t declared a hero because I didn’t fight back. I’m not even sure I needed to do something heroic in this instance to either defend myself or escape the attack. It kicked off too quickly to rationalise anything.
Yet, because I didn’t fight back, the small gang of people’s mood changed, and I was helped to my feet. My attacker was then chastised by others — especially when the blood poured from my nose all over that Parka that sparked this in the first place — and I learned two important lessons from that moment.
Inaction is a form of action.
Silence is a form of protest.
I was using #discretion and choosing my behaviour. I’ve never really had a fist fight with anyone despite being the son of a boxer. I played rugby and even dabbled in American Football where — let’s face it — tough, aggressive approaches are channelled into the field of play.
I have come to know my sensitivities. I well up at emotional video clips showing people helping and caring for others. I’m a wreck at funerals.
I think some of my inaction and silence stems from this sensitivity.
Self-preservation? Probably. Uncomfortable in challenging? Sometimes. Afraid of not being right? A little.
And I’m also clear, that after several years of joyous revelation in all things social media, I’m now siding with those who have been sceptical all along.
It’s not that good for you.
There I’ve said it. Social Media is not that good for you.
Why?
- People being snide keyboard evangelists/warriors/champions with their over-confident self-aggrandising and righteous, pious “aren’t I smart” posting. Unfollow/block
- People living a false way and pretending to be something and then, in real life, they’re not at all that nice, kind or considerate. Unfollow/block.
- People living their entire thought process out loud and inflicting their thoughts on others. Scroll past, eyes rolling/Mute.
- People accusing others of humble-bragging, virtue-signalling, being too liberal, being too radical, being — whatever. Mute/Unfollow.
- People who are humble-bragging, virtue-signalling, etc. Unfollow.
- People acting out the Hunger Games/Capitol bourgeoisie online — with the syrupy gushing of praise on others. Just send them a DM, please. Mute.
- People sharing their every keynote/promotion/new or lost client/unpaid invoice whatever. Just tell those who matter most to you, not the world. There’s no learning there for others or me. It’s digital verbal diarrhoea. Mute.
#Rantover.
Not that discreet I realise, yet for every system, there’s an exception.
Talking of exceptions, there’s a brilliant person in my network who does a lot of sharing, commentating and (seemingly) enacts most of these above — except he doesn’t. Because I can tell he’s using #discretion. He’s wise, he’s considered, he’s just on-point. He’s rare but he’s a standout because of it.
Those who know and genuinely care about me will know I’m not as visible, active or sharing on social media platforms and that’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I DO care and because I’m using #discretion to amplify the care for others who matter most to me.
Not the schoolyard mob. My fellow Mods.
I am choosing #discretion and focusing my energy towards others that are near, close and dear to me. In real life and through the discreet forum of private messaging.
I’ve used a phrase before, it was gifted to me by Hung Lee — Small Social.
I’m practising, adopting and living small social. It’s the #discretion-led way of being connected, sharing and exchanging with others.
There are no doubts that for messaging that supports my (particularly working) causes; social, open platforms are great.
There may be disagreements still, and I may defend, agree with and discuss with others openly. But even then, I’d rather a private, more discreet exchange.
And I can state for the record, that because I’m choosing #discretion doesn’t make me false or ambivalent or dispassionate.
2016 distracted me, I lost energy just keeping up with things and hurting over the vitriol I saw spill out. I lost business focus at a time I was reinventing myself after a failed venture and a hopeful venture not being what it appeared to be. I had shortcomings on revenue, orders for work, and it seems, a shortcoming from what I previously believed was a big, strong network of friends.
Turns out I had a big, silent network of my equivalent of the school scenario mentioned above. People I shared desks with turned out to be people I shared platforms with. Who at a point in time, starting to deride my choice of fashion, youth cult, music and effectively, stamped on my face (metaphorically of course).
I had others jump to my defence when I chose to be discreet and not fight back (which I am grateful for).
People who mattered showed #discretion and messaged me privately. Met me for a coffee. Helped me get some work. Supported my book writing. Helped me make sense of the turn I felt in the world and those I’d come to regard.
I’m using #discretion as the better part of my valour.
I’m staying with Small Social and choosing who to interact with and about what. I won’t be drawn into anything, everything and maybe, therefore, drawn into nothing.
I’m focusing on my mission in life — which is largely through my work — and yes, I have a mission and I’m more determined than ever to do this discreetly but with a sonic boom like impact. And not being distracted by the mob, the endless spouting of others and the hurtful prose of hate.
Small Social.
The #discretion-led antidote to noise pollution, social media fakes and energy-zapping pseudo trolls.
I’ll also use this final element to introduce to you Marshall Rosenberg’s amazing work on Nonviolent Communication. We might all do with a lot more of this.
